losing yourself

ystdy the boyfriend told me: "if/when we get married, pls remember yourself. I don't want you to lose yourself... cos' i watched Lance Armstrong's ex-wife tell her story on Oprah and it struck a chord on me... so pls remember that."

ok. i was shocked. One, cos he watched Oprah and w/o embarassment, admitted it. Two, that a woman's tale wld touch him. Ok.. i noe he is not a chauvinist, but i never thot this burly boyfriend of mine could be sensitive. Praise to God! Three, that it was a great reminder.

Many a time, when women esp. mothers are interviewed and asked what is their achievement, or what they enjoy out of their lives, it will always be that their children grow up healthy, be successful, that the husband is doing well and the house is in perfect order etc etc... Never that she is proud of her own success, purely hers.

Well, we are made to be the unselfish one... putting others before thyself. And what the boyfriend mentioned is correct. Have your me-time, go do what you enjoy doing, without neglecting the family. Juggle but balance well. Never lose yourself. Be who you are and better... The marriage is supposed to be a bonus, not a burden. And that, I will bear in mind.

Which brings me to my dearest sisters.

My elder one, me not worried for she has always had a firm mind. And will get things done her way.. well, most of the time. I have seen her sacrificed and compromised, but i realised she has not lost herself, her sense of humor, her mindset.

But my eldest one, just 2 months into her marriage (and actually before that we have seen apparent changes in her) she is losing herself. Not totally. Not yet. But at quite a quick pace. Scary.

Read her blog and you will know.

Having a husband who is so bent on having his way... a husband whom i all along knew isn't quite grown-up yet.. a husband whose family background is different, weird different and imposing. A husband who stifles his wife. A husband who makes caustic, insensitive remarks. When just 2 months into the marriage, he already expressed doubts. (Just eat the food at home. There is never a time to be picky. It's food from God via my momma's hands. Rezeki. ) That is tough. And she is quickly losing herself.

There is a difference between compromising and being meek. Compromise means it's a win-win situation for both. Meek is when u just shrug, grit your teeth and smile. It is true that saying sorry doesn't always mean you are wrong, and it often means you are the bigger person. But having to apologise everytime for something not your fault, and not having somebody at least understand your point of view, that is wrong. We can tame the chauvinist... just squeeze in sarcasm and your concrete argument with a saccharine smile.

well, i'm sure she (and you) will think i know nothing for i am not married yet, and i dunno what goes on behind closed doors. I agree. But i know that when my sister goes to bed crying and wakes up all down and with puffy eyes, that is wrong. When i see her so listless, until her movements are now near-mechanical. Robotic. That is so wrong.

To my sisters, i send you all my love and prayers. While I may always seem to be indifferent, i do feel for you. I am here for you. Anytime.

To my "new" brother-in-law especially. Grow Up! Men are always behind the women in terms of the mind and soul, and you being younger, so pls hasten the brain. And reflect. And pls, while Muslim marriage is patriarchal, I believe God decreed to respect the wife, respect the womenfolk. Never mistreat... in whatever form. Leaving a wife to fend for herself for 40days (or there about) is a sin. "Leaving" here is not to be taken literally. Go figure.

And so i will take this into mind. I love my family. I love the boyfriend for highlighting this.

p/s: I am no feminist. While i don't believe I shld take the shoes off my husband, i do believe that men and women are never equal, but in fact they complement each other.