living with me and myself

what do you do when you realise everything is off-balance? Family, work and personal lives are seemingly in disarray at the moment.



Family. People often regarded as the last born to be pampered and having all the attention and love, but more often than not, that does not apply to me. dad feels that he owes my elder sis bcos he blames himself for the oversight... for allowing my aunt to "take care of her" while my parents are at work, only to find them abusing her... and now that she is married and all, but her life is not as rosy as they would want it painted, both my parents are now fretting over her and all.

As for my eldest sister, she has always been the centre of attention of my mom. She can nag and be clumsy and messy, but it's ok. She can be irritatingly annoying, asking ridiculous qns, but it's ok. while if it's me, i get brushed off super quickly.

I know parents care for me, but seriously, they have not realised how they have neglected me, but i think i am doing fine.

i m the only one not sent to religious classes, but i managed to learn the basics on my own! I enrolled myself in a class at 14, a very embarassing fact. i learnt how to pray, from books and watching my frens, and i rmbr to say my prayers before i sleep.

mom said i never bear in mind that my dad is a Haj, that i m frivolous in my lifestyle.

why can't i just settle down and stop bringing guys home. 2, in fact.

But why didn't they realise that i brought them home, to show to them that i am (was) gg out with that particular guy and i wanted their approval / disapproval.

Why don't they ask me why they have come and gone?

I have been nothing but nice (aside from the occasional girlfren blunders), but i do have to take a stand in my life.

If parents are not happy, why can't they tell me they are not? why say things that only hurt me, superficial things? if you minded me bringing back a guy, whom i think could be THE ONE, then don't be ultra-hospitable, ultra chill about things! and seriously, don't let you yourself get overly-comfy with him! how dare you say i do not respect you.

my life is barely hanging by a thread, and what do you know abt it? nothing.

i have to be there for everybody else, for my nephews, for my sisters, for (what used to be) the boyfriend, but was anyone ever for me?



Work. I love my job, i love where i am, and what i do. but lately my work has not been 'on form' bcos i simply have too much to handle! i am given tasks to complete within 24 hrs, and i surprisingly manage to churn them out within the stipulated time. i am overly obliging, and since i take pride in my work, i want to meet every deadline, even though the deadlines are all overlapping each other!

the past week, i was engrossed in preparing items for the graduation concert. Things that every colleague says is marcom to do, but weirdly not informed abt them until 3 weeks to the concert.

tickets to print, booklets to develop, fire to fight, banners to finish, fire to fight.... *sigh* worse, when people start telling you how to do things, how to do your job, when these people have no inkling whatsoever to do things. when they think they know better. ironic. if you know better, then why come to me to ask me for my assistance?

last night i stayed in office till just before midnight because i simply forgot the time, because there is just too much of my own work, that i have had to put aside, but needs to be addressed and completed. I am drained. and it doesn't help that the office is moving from tanjong pagar, to changi business park real soon.



Personal. this is ultra messy.

i am freshly single, but i am not quite available.

it is very hard to make that decision to leave someone whom you know loves you, who has come to a point of needing you, to tell that person that is it. and it is very hard but i gotta stick by my decision.

the split was triggered off by a very small matter. but that puny matter has a rippling effect that somehow magnifies all other things.... when pent-up emotions get released, the effects are (usually) horrible.

but, i hope he knows that i don't feel good abt it too, that i have lost my own listening ear but that we are too committed into the relationship that we have forgotten ourselves along the way. but i know that he is sorry and that he loves me and that love is the very basic emotion that has kept me going despite the many falls we had the past years. and that i do miss him. he was my best friend too! but we have got to move on and be on our own and discover the lost essences. i need that, and i hope he understands.



p/s: to my parents, i willl not introduce to you the person i date in future anymore. and you will not know who he is (if any) until the wedding day (if any, also). i am not as promiscuous as you deem me to be. *sadness*



p/s2: more often than not, others hurt me more than i do unto them. i believe that you have brought me up well, and taught me well, and i m trying to live my life as rightly as i possibly can. but i m only human, and i am this small, and many times i do stumble. but i have been able to get up on my own, and i learn from those falls. only cos i want to do better. and for our collective good. just stop judging me, cos i m a piece of the mirror that reflects on you too.